Days 49--57: Diet Logic

Sometimes I wonder if diet logic really exists or if it’s a figment of our imagination, a projection of our emotional needs to be interpreted however it suits us.  For example, on the low-carb diet, two tablespoons of sugar-free low-fat Cool Whip are in the “free food” category.  Well, if two tablespoons are free, then, the same goes for four, eight, and even ten tablespoons, right? 

Whipped cream alone soon became a wearisome snack.  A sprinkling of semi-sweet chocolate chips resulted in a more refined refreshment.  Somehow I assumed that the semi-sweet chips were also free too by virtue of not being fully sweet. 

I found myself avoiding the scale for over a week. It blended in with the white tiles of the bathroom floor and became invisible.  When I finally surmounted the courage to get on it, I was devastated to learn that not only did I fail to loose weight, but I actually gained a pound or two.  I guess the only “free food,” the consumption of which cannot make you heavier, is air.  Cool Whip might taste as light and fluffy as a cloud but has calories nevertheless. 

Since then, I’ve downloaded Lose It on my iPhone to keep track of my daily calorie intake. The free application has a data base of just about every food there is and a scanner system with the ability to automatically figure out calories, fat, and protein.  I just point my iPhone at the label and boom, calories, fat, and protein appear on my phone.  It turns out that my Cool Whip with chocolate chips creation added up to 170 calories!

My suggestion to Lose It: a weakness alarm.  Something that I can press when I am about to intake large amounts of unplanned calories.  If I could hear the red-alert, followed by a  motivational message, hopefully in my own voice, I may think twice about taking another bite.

Days 42--48: Chilling With the Smurfs (Without Sugar)

I am not on first-name basis with any of the Smurfs.  I have yet to see a Smurf show or movie.  I do know that they are these blue, gnome-looking creatures who wear soft white hats with a flip and don white diapers that stretch to cover their legs and feet.

The Smurfs are trying to make children persuade their parents to take them to see the Smurf’s new movie--as if an air-conditioned theater and occupied children are not enough for summer-weary parents to make the trip.

My six-year-old son viewed the trailer on his tablet.  Looking over his shoulder, I saw one of those blue creatures hanging out by the freezer doors of a convenience store.  Through the eyes of a dieter, the Smurf looked like a scoop of vanilla ice cream or a large soft marshmallow on top of a huge blue gummy bear. The blue creature on the screen gulped down a mega-sized slushy and dropped to the floor from brainfreeze.  Brainfreeze!!!  That sounded so good on that hot day.  But where to get a diet, low-sugar one?  Certainly not at movie theaters and convenience stores, where slushies contain enough sugar for a summer-long high.

That’s when I got this idea of taking a few sugar-free icicle pops and putting them in a blender (without the sticks.)  I added low-sugar, low-fat cool whip (free food on a low-carb diet), a blob of ice, a splash of water, and, for nutrition, two table spoons of protein powder.  The potion soothed my overheated sinuses (I have a chronic sinus condition.) Thank you, you little blue creatures, my inspiration.

Days 35--41: Old Jeans

Our unbeguiling, humdrum bathroom scale informs me that I’m down an additional two, possibly three pounds. I wonder how accurate that is since our house is sitting on a hill, making the bathroom floor uneven and slanted.  You can get quite a range of measurements depending on where in the bathroom you place the scale. Every time my bare feet are ready to brave calibration, I make an effort to align the scale against the same two familiar—and now dear to me---cracked tiles.

The scale’s accuracy is probably further debilitated by the constantly moving San Andreas Fault, a mere mile and a half from our house.  Who knows how much the Fault maneuvers the scale.

The best indication of weight loss is being able to fit into previously unwelcoming blue jeans that refused to zip no matter how blue you turned from holding your breath.  Last night I wore a pair of jeans I couldn’t squeeze myself into a month ago.  They are my skinny jeans, although I’m far from being skinny.

Back in the days when I wore those jeans often, I was told by doctors that I had a lot of weight to lose.  I’m nowhere near my ideal weight, but watching the pounds come off makes my day.  I also console myself with the logo of More magazine, published especially for the underappreciated and medically-slandered “women of substance.”

Days 33-34: Hunger?!?!

In the Bay Area, we hear about the looming BART strike on a daily basis.  (BART is our subway system.)  On the evening news last night I caught a glimpse of BART workers walking around in a circle with banners, and enthusiastically shouting “What do we want? Higher wages!  When do we want them? Now!”

I’m on strike too.  A carbohydrate strike.  Those sneaky devious carbs try to negotiate their way back into my diet when I least expect it.  Saturday night, they showed up seemingly innocently, in the form of the delicious-looking off-white bread that came with my custom-designed seared tuna salad at a “made-just-as-you-ordered” salad restaurant.  That bread looked substantial and distinguished next to edamame beans, mixed greens, and a few Nigiri-looking pieces of ahi.

Sometimes, the carbs beg to be devoured as a few Sun Chips.  Sometimes, I give in.  I may have that occasional weekly piece of bread or those few Sun Chips, but that’s as far as I’ll go towards a carb crash.  I don’t allow hostile takeovers--carb binges that is.

I’m on the carbohydrate strike or low-carb diet because, I find it easier to tolerate than other diets.  Proteins keep me full for a while.  Unfortunately, no diet is free from hunger pains.  It is when we feel the hunger that we lose the most weight.  When hunger pains strike, I can almost hear myself scream, “What do I want?  Weight loss!  When do I want it? Now!” 

Days 27-32: The Fog

In case you are wondering why I have not updated my blog for almost a week—I can explain.  A sinus infection descended upon my cranial cavity fogging up all creative processes.  WARNING: Reading the next few sentences may stop you from eating. My post-nasal drip which usually trickles down my throat, turned into Niagara Falls. I have another infection, which I don’t care to specify.  All I can say is that, strangely enough, that infection hit before I went on antibiotics instead of after.  In addition to running a low-grade fever, I feel as if some strange scary alien creature is knocking on my stomach and trying to get out (a.k.a. The Blues Brothers.)

Now that I’ve bummed you out with a medical update, let me cheer you up by saying that I’ve stayed on the low-carb diet and dropped another weekly pound—with or without the help of the scary alien creature.  My low-grade fever seems to be going down.  While I’m not bouncing up and down with energy and don’t have enough of it to connect to my Museman (the male Muse,) I am feeling a bit better and expect the thoughts and sentences to return any day now.